from son, to father

I guess, you would never be able to read this or it may not ever reach you, nevertheless, I write this to you because you are special to me. As kid you were my hero- the tallest, strongest and the most intelligent person in the world I knew. You were my superhero, and perhaps you still are and forever will be.
But somehow we grew apart. That I am a part of you and an extension of your being will always be a fact that can not be doubted upon. However, with the course of time, a few things shaped up our course of relationship which can never be forgotten.
I know I am a bad son, and I have my vices yet you could have been a good father. You always had your virtues you could rely on.
I don’t know if you still remember the day I had scored just 47 out of 70 in mathematics in the third grade. You might not be, as you have other things to take care of…but I do. And I do remember your sarcastic remark. I was a kid, and didn’t care about marks. No one does. Nor does one purposely try to score less. You may not have noticed but it felt as if a bullet had pierced my puny chest. It still has the same effect when I remember that. Since then, perhaps in my subconscious I had this motive of proving you wrong every time I did something.
I also remember the cold winter morning you made me stand outside the house just because I was calling out my friend’s name and it disturbed your sleep. It’s not your fault if you don’t remember that incident, as you had other things to indulge in.
Even today, a foggy December morning evokes an identical sentiment.
It was my 10^th birthday and I came to the house we lived in, just 10 minutes late after playing with my friends and you shouted at me. I know you apologized for that later that evening but the damage was already done. I didn’t cry that day but I do now…whenever I remember the day.
There are many more things that come rushing to my mind as I write this but it would only fester the wounds.
I also know that sometimes it was my fault. You must have felt bad when they called you at the school to say nasty things about me; but I never wanted to be bad let alone make you feel bad. But I was caught in the cobwebs of this big, bad world.

I still remember the day when I essayed the character of bishop in one of the school plays and you were a proud father, as it was obvious from your smile. And the day the results of class X th board exams were announced and you hugged me because I had scored 92 %. But those were days I brought laurels, days I achieved something.
The picture of you waiting for me after the first day of school is still very fresh in my heart, although it has become a bit faint. Every time I feel lonely on these roads of life I wish you would come out of nowhere and carry my piggyback. I wish you could love me not because I was something but because nothing…just your son.

Every now and then, I feel it would have been different had you understood me…u never did, or at least tried for it. I sometimes hate you for not being tolerant and giving but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. The truth is; I can’t part away from you, for it’s your face I see every time I look into the mirror. And I am going to miss you when you are not around.
Your son!!